Why is the pressure of getting things done during this quarantine getting out of hand lately?
I mean, it is 1312PM right now where I'm desperately writing down my thoughts for you to read because of the urgency of putting myself out there is REAL y'all. I talked to people about this exact problem and most of them said that perhaps, I'm not being thankful and grateful enough for what I have. But, hello, it's not that the later that I worry but rather the pressure to stay striving and creating with my own bare hands yet still having a secure income is what I worry about the most. There is a quote I recently read by J.S.F. that says, "It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty." It depicts how I feel very well. I don't want to feel complete like a closed circle on by meaning that there will no longer be growth and acceptance and happiness in between. Like almost every single time I open a social media platform where people are sharing contemplating baking skills that now make me hate banana loafing. I mean, I get it a hundred percent that we are looking for opportunities. On the other hand, it is very very challenging for those who barely keep their heads above the water you know. Don't they understand? Next time I'm asking, I personally expect some useful answers instead of being judged based on wrong interpretations of my own feelings.
Should I re-mention to you that this moment has been outrageous? Oh.. It almost ruins my relationships with someone that I'm fond of, I also almost lost my self esteem because of staying indoors too long albeit I'm an introvert and having a me time is a precious thing.
The other night I had a fight with my fiancé about stuff that was stuck in my head that I couldn't spill. Maybe it was my fault because sometimes I forget distance distorts feelings. We haven't seen each other for at least three months and barely had a deep conversation. Talking about TOUCHE! duh. That night, I told him that I only got barely a couple hours of sleep. Hearing that made him furious. Shocked at being yelled at with punctuation and mad emojis to the extent I was mad at him too. It brought back traumatic feelings on the surface and it was infuriating because I couldn't do much. The truth is, I miss him, I lost track of how to show affection through screens and I'm sure he feels that way too. It took me awhile to try being in his position. Understanding his concerns, perhaps enraged, was his way of showing me his love language. Not until we were made up, I expected myself to not talk about this again with him, instead, I called and begged him to have a discussion with me about this. In that moment, it was hard grasping while I've always been pushed to be a strong-willed in a steep situation who was diluted in my overthinking. We argued, a lot, I can only pray that the both of us are going to stick together until the wed day but, I swear at least it gave me back the sense of belonging that I thought I lost for a brief moment, that no matter how mad he is to me or vice versa, we did it only because we care for each other, and it kind of calms me a little bit.
The other night I had a fight with my fiancé about stuff that was stuck in my head that I couldn't spill. Maybe it was my fault because sometimes I forget distance distorts feelings. We haven't seen each other for at least three months and barely had a deep conversation. Talking about TOUCHE! duh. That night, I told him that I only got barely a couple hours of sleep. Hearing that made him furious. Shocked at being yelled at with punctuation and mad emojis to the extent I was mad at him too. It brought back traumatic feelings on the surface and it was infuriating because I couldn't do much. The truth is, I miss him, I lost track of how to show affection through screens and I'm sure he feels that way too. It took me awhile to try being in his position. Understanding his concerns, perhaps enraged, was his way of showing me his love language. Not until we were made up, I expected myself to not talk about this again with him, instead, I called and begged him to have a discussion with me about this. In that moment, it was hard grasping while I've always been pushed to be a strong-willed in a steep situation who was diluted in my overthinking. We argued, a lot, I can only pray that the both of us are going to stick together until the wed day but, I swear at least it gave me back the sense of belonging that I thought I lost for a brief moment, that no matter how mad he is to me or vice versa, we did it only because we care for each other, and it kind of calms me a little bit.
✿A