XO

I miss with Jakarta in a way that perhaps can only be conveyed through a complete sensory experience. What I miss most are home and my parents. I hope that they are well as much as they say so to me because it means nothing if I can not share what I have been through. Will I regret being away so much from my parents? Maybe. Maybe not now, but I certainly will. If I tell you that, "my parents will live until they are 80", will you believe me? Even if you do, will there be any guarantee that it will happen? Let's say yes, they will live for the next x years, how many times in a year will I go and see them? Twice a year? Or once is enough? Am I so sure that I will spend an immense amount of quality time together? Standing now, being pregnant, I realize more and more each day that time is priceless. The act to get as much of it will be none to eternal. 

The thing is one of many reasons I write about this simply because I, too, need affirmations other than myself. One as a simple pat on the back saying that "you're doing well, you know. Staying sane, healthy, and happy at this time is hard enough to make me have a stable life. Mind worrying about what tomorrow holds". Doing everything by myself isn't easy. Adds upon it, I have been away from my parents for almost three months. Though never have I ever missed a single video call with them no matter the circumstances, it still feels hard. Those calls vary from a quick "I-love-you" call, a "please be with me while I'm having lunch" call, or long ado conversations about what the days were about. Even so, to miss a "good night" calls left a tiny hole in me. Many of my friends are raising their brows in awe for my behavior simply because they think that I'm eerie for being close with my parents. What's to worry about, right? They are the people who make me who I am, first and foremost, and I will always raise my hats off of them.

Living among the pandemic gives me such different perspectives on seeing life as a parent to be. There are some pressures to suck it up because it happens to everyone and if people can cope with it, so can you. Albeit, it feels far from that. There are good days and not so good days for me. When later happens, I tend to look for an escape. Be it puzzles, lego, or social media. I'm juggling with one another to make it less boring. But when it comes to, let's say Instagram, I get more anxiety and depression because rule number one on social media: people do not share their lows in life. I think the idea is to just comprehend the so-called-truth that somehow disappears. My husband notices that every time I'm signed in, I tend to be sadder. Well, what can I say? I'm the edge of denying it, though I know deep down he's right (take your points, Babe). I keep coming back to IG because maybe my candor screams for attention to be liked and loved as much in real life. 

In the end, I have to be responsible and hold accountable upon my actions and feelings toward the human inside of me. I wish nothing but the health of my baby, both mentally and physically. And I know it needs energy and conscious decisions to be and stay balanced. Everything I do, I do it for my baby.

One day when my child reads this, kid, I hope you know how much your Mommy and Daddy fight for your happiness. I hope you wake up every day to feel grateful.

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The Sun Sets When You Choose To Go Outside

I'm not going to have some BS about being strong and all but please live the life courteously, stay dehydrated and stay sane.

Look Closer

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Fights In A Quarantine

Why is the pressure of getting things done during this quarantine getting out of hand lately?

I mean, it is 1312PM right now where I'm desperately writing down my thoughts for you to read because of the urgency of putting myself out there is REAL y'all. I talked to people about this exact problem and most of them said that perhaps, I'm not being thankful and grateful enough for what I have. But, hello, it's not that the later that I worry but rather the pressure to stay striving and creating with my own bare hands yet still having a secure income is what I worry about the most. There is a quote I recently read by J.S.F. that says, "It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty." It depicts how I feel very well. I don't want to feel complete like a closed circle on by meaning that there will no longer be growth and acceptance and happiness in between. Like almost every single time I open a social media platform where people are sharing contemplating baking skills that now make me hate banana loafing. I mean, I get it a hundred percent that we are looking for opportunities. On the other hand, it is very very challenging for those who barely keep their heads above the water you know. Don't they understand? Next time I'm asking, I personally expect some useful answers instead of being judged based on wrong interpretations of my own feelings.

Should I re-mention to you that this moment has been outrageous? Oh.. It almost ruins my relationships with someone that I'm fond of, I also almost lost my self esteem because of staying indoors too long albeit I'm an introvert and having a me time is a precious thing. 

The other night I had a fight with my fiancé about stuff that was stuck in my head that I couldn't spill. Maybe it was my fault because sometimes I forget distance distorts feelings. We haven't seen each other for at least three months and barely had a deep conversation. Talking about TOUCHE! duh. That night, I told him that I only got barely a couple hours of sleep. Hearing that made him furious. Shocked at being yelled at with punctuation and mad emojis to the extent I was mad at him too. It brought back traumatic feelings on the surface and it was infuriating because I couldn't do much. The truth is, I miss him, I lost track of how to show affection through screens and I'm sure he feels that way too. It took me awhile to try being in his position. Understanding his concerns, perhaps enraged, was his way of showing me his love language. Not until we were made up, I expected myself to not talk about this again with him, instead, I called and begged him to have a discussion with me about this. In that moment, it was hard grasping while I've always been pushed to be a strong-willed in a steep situation who was diluted in my overthinking. We argued, a lot, I can only pray that the both of us are going to stick together until the wed day but, I swear at least it gave me back the sense of belonging that I thought I lost for a brief moment, that no matter how mad he is to me or vice versa, we did it only because we care for each other, and it kind of calms me a little bit.

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The Pandemic Gloominess

How's everybody doing? I hope whenever you are, you feel great about yourself and you're healthy despite all of the crisis that happens right now in the world. With a quarantine moment, I know that it has a tremendous impact on most of us especially when you are alone and away from the family. My prayers and thoughts are with you. 

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Pixxa

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Calm Before The Storm

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Week 15

Do people really care if you say what you think?

What if one day my child is asking me the meaning of happiness, will I answer the truth or should I let the truth being open for him or her to answer on their own?

My heart shredded bits by bits for the questions that people have been asking about.

This afternoon when I was on the road, I was thinking about a lot of stuff that I feel the urge to share and spill out just because I feel like there is a mountain I need to move inside my body. How do you say that one thing that makes your heart in peace is your candor?

I know that my age right now requires a lot of integrity and focus to be mature. Such a deep word.

Am I ready to earn being called a mother? In my mind, motherhood is a huge word to carry. Imagine being able to create anything you want, now that thing is inside of you. I like it in the city when the air is thick.

I feel weaker than my normal body when I only carry my own body.

Will I ever be open even to myself?

I miss studying and I feel like taking things for granted.

Will I ever be ready to be a mom

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Never Been Seen–The Series

A series of hers.

Appreciated by few—but she doesn’t give a damn about what people might love or think of her.

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What A Night, Honey.

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The Three of Us got Stacked

F was in town and he desperately wanted to meet T and me, so we had a short (but meaningful) meetup in a reasonably new restaurant in Jkt. I ordered both of these above, though, I had to say that they looked better in the pictures. I can't believe that it has been years since our last catch up. Such an overdue. Us three used to be very close until T and I graduated from college. I went to work in a different city full of bullshit and desperate cries hence F was still in college and T worked in a private company. I must say, a year or so later, I flew to London and life grew apart. I am somewhat glad that we were in circumstances that allowed us to become a wiser version of ourselves. 

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Ke Kalyan

I'm sitting down in the corner of a cafe in Senopati. Feeling lonely and absolutely crushed by the fact that the person I'm supposed to have a meeting with has cancelled on me deliberately. I started the day correctly and had a photoshoot meeting with my business partner and a photographer. Waiving my healthy lungs because apparently all of them are smokers. I don't blame them completely. 

.

It is half to eight PM, I'm waiting for my friends to come over and work together from here. At this point, this idea seems the most brilliant one instead of spending hours in a hell of traffic. Also, dear universe, will I ever be ready for true love and unlimited happiness? Honestly, I don't want to wait any longer and I just think that I'm ready? I don't know, maybe I haven't been prepared to be a better version of myself. 

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I was just wondering, what are my ex uni friends are currently doing right now? How do they feel about life? I hope they all are fine, as much as I want my own self to be fine right now. A French artist, Matisse, said that "the essential thing is to work in a state of mind that approaches prayer". He's right, the smallest element of my own body needs to pray more and do more of taffakur. I don't know....... I really don't know.

All I'm saying is, if you are happy and even more so grateful, man, you've been blessed!!

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A Vow of Love by CAS

I think I might fall in love with Cigarettes after Sex. I asked too many people to beg them to watch the concert with me in Brixton, London. Turns out, people raised their eyebrows in full awareness, not knowing who they were. CAS songs are very electric with a touch of indie-ness and other stuff that make you fall in love with them instantly. Perhaps the way they have fans is because of the ever engaging lyrics and also tempo of each of their songs.

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UAL Diary

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Do Find Peace Within Yourself?

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A Spoonful Wednesday

The voices in my head:

"I know that I need a reminder to be a little more disciplined in terms of updating this web at any stage of my life, from witty to stodgy. Sadly, I'm just a procrastinator. "Do you ever have this feeling of leaving a battle in the middle of a war deciding to call it an unfinished business? I pray every night for God to bring the right people and circumstances into my life at the right time. "Often, just right after I get comfortable being on my own, some people and their canny words came and crashed down the wall that I have built with my sweats and tears. Is it a sin to be able to bear this feeling of being accustomed to the past? Though do I believe in the existence of second chances as long as it comes with better intentions."

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She Waited For The Train To Pass

I hope your Tuesday was utter good, better than mine. Here I am writing these words down just right after I cleaned myself up after my long day went by. I landed in J-town on a dark, cloudy afternoon after spending some days out of town with Mum and Dad just because both of them are so busy to have quality time with, talking about ticking time before I go, oh such a weak heart I have! Even though, to tell you the truth, I watched The Big Bang Theory religiously to kill time while they were doing their deeds. But no matter how hard it takes for me to talk to my parents, their capability of having a heart-to-heart conversation always calms the storm inside me every time. A fit of nonsense jealousy over their togetherness doesn't do me any good unless I plan to rewrite their vows and perhaps, find the one who will read the "I do" with them. Right? Hey, I might not have forever with them, but I will count every single moment that I have to make it up.

After all these years I've spent on planet Earth, it still amazes me on how hard I am getting accustomed to opening both of my hands to catch all space dust that consists of sacrifices and happiness. The urge of finding a 'Home' is getting stronger daily just like a wanderer who has a big dream of sleeping in a nice warm bed with a glass of warm milk beside her. The idea of coming home to the love of your life is so soothing and nice I can’t wait to look forward to that. I think I won't refuse to stop putting my hopes high in the sky for which the answers to my questions will lead to one only, time. To the feelings that I haven't felt yet, I know you will come. ✿A

A Soft Pink Mug from T

I don't want to be sentimental but I'm going to London next month. It happens too quickly I can't grasp. I need to pack and bring all the things that make me feel loved as a person. A good friend of mine gave me this quirky mug as a thoughtful birthday gift that I feel the urgency of bringing in. 

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Sunday Afternoon at TLC

I made these chocolate oatmeal cookies and successfully asked my friends to try it out. 

P.S. No one gets hurt.

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Summer 2016 Negatives

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